Roadblocks To Listening
Thomas Gordan describes 12 actions that are easy to fall into when we are trying to be “helpful.” These are in fact roadblocks to listening and stop us from taking in what the other person is trying to convey to us. They are as follows:
Ordering, directing or commanding
Warning or threatening
Giving advice, making suggestions or providing solutions
Persuading with logic, arguing or lecturing
Moralising, ‘preaching’, or telling clients what they ‘should’ do
Disagreeing, judging, criticising or blaming
Agreeing, approving or praising
Shaming, ridiculing or labelling
Interpreting or analysing
Reassuring, sympathising or consoling
Questioning or probing
Withdrawing, distracting, humouring or changing the subject
Of course some of them don’t need any explanation , but others could be less obvious and easier to do, for example why would advising people or giving solutions be problematic?
At first glance, advice may not seem like a roadblock. But it is when given as a response It could communicates a lack of confidence in the person’s ability to solve their own problems. Further, it could also prevent them from thinking through a problem, considering alternative solutions and trying them out for themselves.
Another one that is worth thinking about is “Agreeing, approving or praising.” What is wrong with that? It probably feels like a very helpful thing to do. But saying “I think you did exactly the right thing!" or "I couldn't agree more...," could have a negative effect on a person if it does not fit their own self image. This could mean that it could evoke denial in them, and that it can sometimes be interpreted in a negative way, as criticism or as manipulation. Although those are strong responses, it undeniably does not allow people to draw their own conclusions about the best course of action.
The final one that is easy to do and difficult to understand is probably “reassuring, sympathising and consoling.” It probably feels good to say to people "Don't worry...," or "Everyone goes through this...” However these responses often have completely the opposite affect to reassuring. It can easily be interpreted as minimising someone’s problems, denying their difficulties and trying to talk them out of their feelings. If this is your default response it may be worth thinking about how easy it is for you to accept hearing others upset and distress, as often it can be a sign that we aren’t comfortable with talking about these difficult feelings. This will make it difficult to have for the other person to be open and honest with you.